About a month ago on a rainy, dreary Saturday, I decided to take my kids to my church’s gym to let out some energy and release my wife from their bondage.

Following an array of gym activities, we then came to the final event: the kickball game.

As I was “steady pitcher,” the teams were Conner & Riley vs. Cameron & Lucy.

Conner was first at the plate, so I place a slow roller, straight and strong. He kicked the ball on the ground right back at me and proceeded to run to first base.

I quickly picked up the ball and immediately threw it at Conner, hitting him on his backside right before he touched the base.

There was then a spontaneous and collaborative gasp among my children.

Cameron yelled out, “What are you doing?!”

Conner instantly fell to the ground almost dazed and confused as to what happened. Then tears began streaming down his cheeks.

What is wrong with you?,” I asked.

Riley started charging at me and yelling, “You are not allowed to throw the ball at someone in kickball!

What the crap are you talking about?

Cameron explained, “Yea, Dad, when we play kickball at school, the teachers say we are not allowed to throw the ball at anyone to get them out.

Again, what the crap are you talking about?

Conner managed to pick himself off the ground. He brushed away the tears and further explained that the teachers don’t allow them to throw the kickball at people to get them out, because they could get hurt.

At once my heart sank. What has this world of fear and safety come to? Sure, they can force us to wear helmets while riding our bikes. They can strip me down before boarding a plane. They can even take away my soda lid & straw at the zoo. But please…don’t pollute the beautiful game of kickball.

Is there anything that will go untarnished from this madness?

NOTE: I proceeded to tell my kids that they have been lied to by “The Man.” That “real” kickball involves throwing a ball as hard as you can at the other opponent’s head. After my lecture, they decided they wanted to play basketball instead (which I then proceeded to block every one of their shots).


~ by Dave Smith on November 19, 2008.

7 Responses to “Kickball”

  1. you should have told them the truth: the world is going to hell because of the crazy liberals. /sarcasm.

  2. I can only unveil one truth at a time to them. Soon they will find out the moonlanding was a hoax.

  3. They will only need a couple thousand dollars in therapy (each) to recover from that. Have you thought about teaching parenting classes? maybe elementary school gym classes would be better 🙂 Sorry…couldn’t resist. BTW…whatever happened to “red rover”, “smear the queer” and all those classic playground games we used to play? Who could forget dodge ball. Oh, the good ol’ days.

  4. Yea, their therapy could run long and deep…but thankfully my wife counters my dysfunction.

    I have visions of one day seeing kids playing on the playground wrapped in bubble wrap (though that does sound fun).

  5. Did you give them a trophy/certificate of participation when you were finished?

  6. How HARD did you throw the ball?
    The Gram

  7. Oh man, thanks for making me laugh & cry all at once! So sad the world they’re growing up in…so hilarious that you are teaching them about the REAL world.

    I can only imagine how hard you must have hit Conner with that ball! Poor dude!

    Next they’ll be taught that “sharing” their lunch means first stealing their neighbor’s lunch, and then giving their neighbor’s lunch away.

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